I hope everyone survived last week without a column. No excuses, I screwed up and still have a half written draft just sitting in my drafts folder. But on a positive note I’m sure that no bets that I would have wrote about would have won because last week was still an awful gambling weekend (for football), so you’re fucking welcome.

But since I am a man of routine (most of the time, so I guess not really a man of routine but YOLO) I am back with a new column with surefire picks that can’t lose!

Lets start with a couple of NFL picks first.

NFL

3. Rams -3.5 @ Steelers

One of my big losses last week was the Colts at a pick’em losing to the Steelers because Adam Vinateri missed a 40 yard game winning field goal due to THE FUCKING LACES BEING THE WRONG WAY. A bunch of damn bullshit.

But time to move one (but not really), the Steelers are starting to bounce back into the playoff conversation after a couple of key victories, but they haven’t played an extremely talented offensive team like the Rams in a couple of weeks. Now the Steelers defense is playing much better since the addition of Minkah Fitzpatrick, but I still think that this Rams offense has a big day after a bye week. On the other side I think that Aaron Donald will torment Mason Rudolph much of the day. Rams 31 Steelers 26

2. Falcons +13 @ Saints

At this point all the Falcons are playing for is pride, and what’s better than helping you play for a little pride when it’s against your bitter rival, the Saints. Now the Falcons are really bad, but Dan Quinn coming off a bye week with a healthy Matt Ryan back sounds like a decently close game to me.

The Saints might be the best team in the NFL, and they also get there star running back Alvin Kamara back, but 13 points is a lot in the NFL for any great team. I think the Falcons fight a bit and keep it within 10 points. Saints 28 Falcons 20

1. Cards +4.5 @ Bucs

Ok, so I’ve chosen all road teams as my picks of the week and that’s never really a good sign but were this far and I feel confident…. maybe…

But Cards have been playing relatively well and seem to have figured it on offense. There defense is atrocious, but it helps that they’re playing a Bucs squad led by Jameis Winston who turns the ball over like it’s his job. Hell, Kyler Murray and the boys could go on the road here (it’s not like Tampa Bay is a feared destination for away teams) and pull off the upset. But I’ll take the safe and easy play, the points. Bucs 33 Cards 30

NCAA

7. UW @ Oregon State +10

Here’s a little Friday night pick for you degenerates, I like the red hot Beavers to keep it close against a disappointing UW squad. The Huskies are coming off a physical loss against Utah, and now have to travel to Oregon State (which sounds awful) to play a Beavers team that has won three of its last four games. This should be a win for the Huskies, but I think the Beavers keep it close. Huskies 31 Beavers 24

6. Iowa @ Wisconsin over 38

I’m taking the fucking bait, and taking this ridiculous Big 10 line set at 38 between two slobber knockers, Iowa and Wisconsin. Before telling me how much of an idiot I am lets discuss these teams totals this season so far.

Wisconsin has scored over 38 points in all eight of there games this season, while Iowa has scored over 38 in three of there games. Simple math, right? Well lets dive a little farther into my simple math segment…

In the last two match ups between these teams the total of over 38 hit both times. So ya, simple math points me to believe that he over hits easily here. Wisconsin 27 Iowa 17

5. Utah State @ Fresno State (-6)

I think this line has moved a bit to -5.5, so even better. But listen Utah State is absolute garbage and they’re on my shit list after fucking my big teaser last weekend. Utah State quarterback Jordan Love is supposed to be a first round pick, but is unfortunately partially blind. Therefore Jeff Tedford and the lovely city of Fresno which houses the greatest university in the world, Fresno State should kick Utah States ass. Wow, what a wild ride that was. Fresno State 38 Utah State 24

4. Kansas State @ Texas over 58

I’ll keep this simple. Both teams average over 33 points and both defenses are trash. Both offenses are hot, and Texas has Sam Ehlinger who is an absolute beast. Texas 40 Kansas State 31

3. Clemson -32 @ NC State

This goes back to one of my gambling strategies of late (and this one has actually been somewhat successful), take the hot teams especially when they’re pissed off.

After being left out of the first college football playoff top 4, I think Clemson is going to absolutely throttle NC State. They now know that with a weaker conference schedule they have to go all out. Clemson doesn’t even need to play perfect to cover here. Clemson 55 NC State 17

2. Penn State -7 @ Minnesota

A huge Big 10 matchup between two undefeated teams, one that is for real and one that is not, and you can probably tell which one I think is real with my pick. Yes, that Penn State team is a real threat to this college football playoff and even Ohio State. Minnesota is not a bad team, and I do think PJ Fleck will have that program in a big bowl game soon enough if not this season, but Penn State is on another level. Talent wise this game isn’t close on the field. Penn State 35 Minnesota 20

1. LSU +6 @ Alabama

HERE WE FUCKING GO, THE BIGGEST GAME OF THE YEAR SO FAR. MAN AM I FUCKING PUMPED FOR THIS. There is going to be an abundance of NFL talent on the field at all times, which should translate to some very good football. I know we’ve seen some disappointing results from this game recently, especially from the LSU side, but I think this year is a lot different. LSU has finally embraced a new explosive offense, and Alabama finally looks actually not great on defense. Also I think Tua is not 100 percent, and could play a factor in this game. Give me Coach O all fucking day, and a program changing victory for LSU. LSU 27 Alabama 24